You Don't Know What You're Talking About
Learning to practice Right Speech
“Right Speech means that if we are not aware—as normally we are not—then we don’t know what we are saying or doing. Inadvertently, we indulge in all kinds of negative forms of speech such as lying, backbiting, haughty speech, and gossip. It is important to become aware of our speech, because what we say and how we say it have a direct influence on the kind of person we become. If we are always using harsh words, then we naturally become very aggressive.”
We are generally unaware of life outside our own “bubble.” Seeing the world only through the lens of our own life experience, and offering our advice under the assumption of “I did it, so can you,” can lead to feelings of resignation (“I don’t know why I even try!”) and simmering anger for both the giver and receiver of said advice.
True connection with others can only be achieved if we set aside our own opinions and judgements, and learn to really listen to others. And, after listening (not simply hearing, but really listening), we may find that we need to ask some questions before pushing our “helpful” suggestions on others.
Some examples of “unskillful speech” (in contrast to Right Speech) heard in conversations at a family reunion:
Teenager: I got a job as a cook in a nursing home. Uncle: How can you learn to be a cook by just reheating prepared food? Why don’t you get a better job, like being a sous chef in a restaurant?
Uncle assumes that teenager wants a career as a chef, when teenager is just talking about his job. Uncle doesn’t know that a being a sous chef requires experience, it’s not an entry-level job. Uncle has unwittingly cut off further conversation, as teenager feels judged by what Uncle assumes.
Grandma: You young people waste your money by going out to eat. You’re too lazy to go grocery shopping and to cook.
Grandma doesn’t even consider that these young people live in tiny apartments with roommates. Refrigerator and storage space is shared (so no room for lots of groceries), and roommates often eat leftovers and prepared foods that they didn’t make or purchase. Grandma doesn’t understand why the younger people don’t bother to listen to her.
Comments to unemployed relatives: Why don’t you have a job yet? Everywhere I go, employers are looking for help. Trader Joe’s is hiring.
People who aren’t looking for work don’t understand what many employers are offering today. Part-time work, no benefits, availability for all shifts, no sick days, no vacation time. The Trader Joe’s job requires that applicants be available for 4-hour shifts, between 3 am and 7 am, at the will of the employer. This particular Trader Joe’s has no break room. Employees can sit in their cars for their breaks, or if they take the bus to work, apparently they can stand outside by the highway for their break, as there is no outdoor seating or shelter. People making these “helpful suggestions” to the unemployed are only adding to the misery.
More comments to unemployed relative, who happens to be a great home cook: You’ve got to think outside the box! Plenty of people would buy your cakes! You could offer to cook meals for people, and set up a business.
State law requires that all food for sale be prepared in “certified kitchens.” Also, the preparer of foods must take classes for “food safety” certificates (this is NOT free), and must have the money to rent a time slot in a certified kitchen. There are only two facilities in the entire state that offer time slots in their certified kitchens, and the cook has to transport all the necessary ingredients. There are generally no available time slots, and even when one opens up, the cost of the ingredients and the rental fee are upfront costs that simply not be affordable for this unemployed relative, who tries to explain these things, but gets cut off.
We may tell ourselves that we are only trying to be helpful, but without awareness of the circumstances in the lives of others, our advice and opinions often add to their suffering. Our attempts at conversation can result in resentment and arguments, because we never really learned to listen, or to practice loving speech.
To practice loving speech, we need to be aware of the presence of the person we are speaking to. The other person is not some empty vessel who depends on our analysis of his situation to tell him how to live his life. The other person has his own perceptions, his own experiences, his own suffering. If we are not aware that another person’s presence is equal to our own presence, we won’t be able to practice loving speech.
Often, the greatest gift we can offer to others is compassionate listening. This can lead to loving speech and true connection, even when opinions may differ.
Start practicing loving speech with your family and friends. You may discover that you have very incorrect perceptions about how they view life and their place in the world. You may even find that your life is enhanced by learning of their experiences.
The older I get, the more my thinking evolves. I ask lots of questions, and learn so much. An open, inquisitive mind leads to wisdom. And learning is never a done thing.
Now, maybe I have something interesting to add to the conversation.