Seeing Things as They Are
The uncomfortable, but necessary, process of facing reality
I don’t need to read the latest poll numbers to know that large numbers of people believe that things are getting worse in the US, and in the rest of the world.
While there may be disagreement among people about why things are getting worse, most people acknowledge that fires, floods, and record-breaking temperatures are on the rise, that service in shops and restaurants is not quite what it used to be, and that inflated prices of housing, medicine, food, gas, and electricity are causing many more of us to live in poverty.
Yet, rather than joining together to work towards healing the wounds that our toxic society inflicts upon all of us, many of us instead turn towards finding someone to blame. “It’s not my fault, it’s __________ fault. There’s nothing I can do about it.”
The instinctive, immediate response to our own fear is assigning blame to its presumed source. Blame is probably an adaptive response to situations of immediate physical jeopardy in which there is no time for reflection. Even in situations where there is no immediate peril, directing anger at whomever (or whatever) frightens us is more acceptable to the ego than helplessness and despair. Terrible things happen in this world, and people do them: aren’t there culprits, villains who can be blamed? https://www.lionsroar.com/no-blame/
Blaming just keeps us stuck, it doesn’t provide solutions.
Becoming an emotionally mature adult requires lots of inner work. And that work is often painful. It requires courage and compassion. And we are always works in progress; we never reach perfection. The best we can do is to develop an awareness; to be mindful of the times when we are falling short, and try to do better.
In order to bring out the best in ourselves, we need to feel safe in our bodies. We need to know that we can sit with the discomfort of acknowledging the cracks in our vessel. This takes practice. It requires self-compassion.
What is self-compassion? It is intimately tied to the practice of mindfulness—a special way of paying attention to the present moment, with complete acceptance of our thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. Self-compassion comes from the understanding, gleaned through moments of mindfulness, that every human being suffers, that we all want to be happy but often don’t know how to find happiness, and that this commonality connects us with everyone else. Understanding these truths, recognizing our own vulnerabilities, and practicing more kindness toward ourselves is at the heart of self-compassion. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/five_ways_to_put_self_compassion_into_therapy
When I think about all the problems that we face — wars, poverty, environmental catastrophe — it all seems overwhelming. Yet, I understand that ignoring things leads to other forms of agony — drowning in addictive behaviors to try to outpace the mental pain.
So, I practice sitting in awareness. I practice knowing that I can only take steps towards a possible hopeful outcome. The eventual outcome lies in the future, and none of us knows for certain the future. That’s part of the messiness of being human — the uncertainty.
And this can be a starting point, this recognition that all human beings try to push away feelings of fear while desperately hanging onto things that bring us temporary comfort. We humans are all the same. There is no “other.”
We have disagreements, differing points of view, yet we are all seeking happiness. And being all crammed together on this planet, with diminishing resources, our survival depends on doing our best to work in the interest of the whole of humanity.
The ultra-wealthy may fool themselves into believing that they won’t suffer the same eventual fate as the rest of us, but a moment of critical thinking allows us to realize that none of us can survive alone. Even the billionaire needs someone to grow food, to tend illnesses, to provide clothing, to bury the dead, to process the waste.
We need the honesty and courage to speak the truth — including painful truths that unsettle not only our foes but also our friends and, most especially, ourselves. . .We need the honesty and courage to recognize the faults, flaws, and failings of even the greatest of our heroes — and to acknowledge our own faults, flaws, and failings. . .We need the honesty and courage to express dissent — to say, “No, I will not go along” — when conscience tells us that our own ideological or political tribe has gone astray or gone too far or become fanatical and blind to integrity and the dignity of all. https://www.bostonglobe.com/2020/07/15/opinion/unite-country-we-need-honesty-courage/?_ga=2.55846699.1849713395.1696082208-807120804.1696082208
Let’s face the truth. Let’s find the courage. There is a better way, and that way starts with love. Oh, we’ve heard our whole lives that it’s not that simple, that we shouldn’t be so naive, that we need to listen to the powerful experts. Yet, the history of mankind shows us that fear, hate, greed, and war simply deteriorate our conditions.
There will be the bully, the evil-doer, the psychopath. The majority of us don’t fit those descriptions, yet we allow ourselves to be governed by people who do. Only fear is keeping us from advancing towards a more just world.
Take the first step. Practice self-compassion.
Unlike self-esteem, the good feelings of self-compassion do not depend on being special and above average, or on meeting ideal goals. Instead, they come from caring about ourselves—fragile and imperfect yet magnificent as we are. Rather than pitting ourselves against other people in an endless comparison game, we embrace what we share with others and feel more connected and whole in the process. And the good feelings of self-compassion don’t go away when we mess up or things go wrong. In fact, self-compassion steps in precisely where self-esteem lets us down—whenever we fail or feel inadequate. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/try_selfcompassion
None of us can force others to change. We can only do our own inner work. This is the challenge that we face — finding the courage to face things as they are. James Baldwin said it so well:
"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced."